I'd Guava use Papaya...
If I was to ask you what is Bifidus ActiRegularis, would you know? No of course you wouldn't, you wouldn't have a clue, no one would. And yet if I was to give you the choice of two generic brand yoghurt's of the same flavour and then added that one contained Bifidus ActiRegularis, without a moments hesitation you would opt for the one with Bifidus ActiRegularis.
And why do we act this way, the reasons my friends is simply because it sounds fancy. It sounds bloody impressive and as ridiculous as it sounds people don't like to admit that they have no idea what Bifidus ActiRegularis is in case they sound stupid, as if you would become the point of ridicule for not knowing. So rather than take the very reasonable course of action of questioning it's merits further, you keep quiet and assume that it must be good for you.
The clever people at Danone cottoned onto this and launched a whole advertising campaign around their Activia range of yoghurt, they even stuck in the term 'digestive transit' for good measure, the shrewd swines. And the end result? The weak willed, easily convinced, sheep like fools like me went out and bought some. For all I know Bifidus ActiRegularis could be latin for knob rot, but subliminally I guess my mindset was that a company like Danone wouldn't have spent so much money on a national advertising campaign and 'celebrity' spokeswoman Nell McAndrew if it wasn't something revolutionary to the world of yogurt. As soon as she uttered the words 'stops you feeling so blurted after a big meal' in her dulcet northern tones I was convinced.
But what would of happened if I had delved deeper? What if I hadn't been concerned that drinking buddy Dave thought I was a 'plank' for not knowing my ancient greek for yogurt related terminology, what would I have found? According to the official website http://www.danoneactivia.co.uk/,
"Activia contains probiotics - live microorganisms which, when eaten live and in sufficient quantities, have a beneficial effect on our health – so it is classed as a probiotic product".
So to clarify, the yogurt contains little, living animals...ok not too sure about that, I don't even like to eat sushi in case it makes a late comeback, let alone something that is still alive. And actually thinking about it, if this yogurt helps with my 'digestive transit', surely that's just science talk for its going to make me poo more? Don't laxatives have the same effect and as far as I know doctors aren't advocating laxatives as the answer to fatties prayers. The more you think about it, the more it sounds less appealing, but it's too late now I have already bought the required quota from them, making their Activia range a massive success.
And it's not just yogurt that warrants additional consideration, shampoo companies have been peddling the same rubbish for years. Who cares that a conditioner contains guava extract. If I gave you a banana, would it ever cross your mind to start mashing it into your head the next time you took a shower. No of course it wouldn't, only the mentally deranged would think to do that, if anything you would need to spend a considerable amount of time washing the fruit OUT of your hair, so why should it be any different for papaya, or apricots 'extract'?
For the sake of argument, let's give these companies the benefit of the doubt and say that coconut was good for a glossy mane like finish, how the hell do they find this out? Can you imagine being the first guy to 'research' washing your hair with and avocado? Even if you found out that it was good for you how do you tell someone without them thinking you're an idiot? If someone told me that they had tried washing their hair with fruit, my first and very reasonable question would be to ask what had compelled them to do so? You would have to make something up, lie that you were out of shampoo and that the only thing you had in the house was an avocado multi pack. Even then you would have to manifest some sort of hair related emergency (should such a thing exist) that prompted you to entertain this bizarre act.
And its not just fruit that is allegedly good for your mullet. People would have you believe that a winning mixture of eggs, vinegar and mayonnaise will give your barnett the matt finish you have always wanted. Even if this was true, what would the point be? Sure you may look attractive from a distance, but as soon as people were close enough to realise you smelt like a fry up any initial interest would diminish pretty rapidly. Still credit to the marketing manager for thinking outside of the egg box, with sales dwindling because our nation refuse to eat anything outside of cheese and pork, they obviously realised that eggs needed to serve an additional purpose in society to ensure share prices remained buoyant, so why not spread some rumours that it works wonders as an alternative to L' Oreal. Slogans change from 'Eggs, fast food and good for you' to 'Eggs, vinegar and mayonaise, because your worth it'.
I understand the need to make a living, but why don't they try going for something that's more plausible? '5 a day' was always an ambitious sales target for fruit and veg companies to meet, but rather than trying to supplement takings through ridiculous measures like 'carrot cake' (as if your going to try and slip a vegetable into one of my dessert dishes) why not go for something more believable? Fruits generally smell nice, so why not try telling the credit crunch nation that rather than paying fifty quid a pop on eau de toilette, than an equally good measure would be to crush a punnet of strawberry's under each armpit? Hell you could even spin some nonsense that the strawberry absorbs through your pores and contributes to the consumption of your '5 a day'. Sales increase, government health targets get hit (sort of) and you never know, some people having filled their fruit bowl to the brim may actually take the extreme and more traditional measure of eating some of it.
Fruit eaten in large consumptions notoriously gives you the runs, therefore assisting no end with the 'digestive transit' meaning that you don't have to buy litres of yogurt in the first place...or do you?
Just as you think you have relinquished the grip of the yogurt barons, Danone, aware of the threat strike a deal with fruit companies to include fruit in the base of all their Activia yogurts. Capitalising on the fruit based addition, they then go aggressively after the shampoo market, as of course, obviously, yogurt makes hair softer. So in full yogurt will give you shiny soft hair, helps with the old digestive transit, smells nice and can be used to moisturise skin (why not), is there anything this miracle in a pot can't do? Danone, I'm back in, sorry for every doubting you.
Now if you will excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I need to go buy a tub of Bifidus ActiRegularis and see if applied correctly it can cure erectile dysfunction.
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
God created the world in seven days...what a cowboy.
Apparently God is Omnipotent, but being God he should be able to find a cure for that...
So God created the world in seven days eh? The only way that is feasible is if he built Poland first and got the Polish builders to muck in for the remaining days. Even then, seven days is a bit of a push, I mean Rome alone took more than a day to build so inevitably corners had to be cut.
Subsequently for every Sistene Chapel, Mona Lisa and Venice we have a Bluewater, a London Olympics logo and a Croydon. All in all planet earth is a bit like a B&Q kitchen, at first glance it looks great, but on closer inspection every things not quite as it should be.
Yes the big man created The Northern Lights, but he also created personalised mobile ring tones. If ye be faithful, then the genius that cooked up the 'crazy frog' was indeed the big cheese himself. What was wrong with 'ring ring', it did the job required? Now days if your phone goes 'ring ring' people think you are trying to be retro or ironic. You have to wear garments from Top Man just to pull off the overall look.
Why is it that people feel the need to express themselves through every facet of their being. Clothes I can accept as a form of expression, but a ring tone? Are these people thinking, 'if I have a hilarious ring tone, then people will in turn think I'm hilarious', no they won't they will think you're a twat. It's the modern day equivalent of the guy in the office who chose to demonstrate just how 'crazy' he was via an outlandish tie. Society is mocking you and you deserve it.
Perhaps the king of the ring tones is rap 'superstar' Akon with one of his biggest selling downloads being the appropriately titled 'Lonely'. Appropriate, as anyone who downloaded it deserves to be shunned and subsequently very bloody lonely for a long, long time. Almost as criminal a use of the mobile phone is text voting. I am of course talking about the type of vote systems commonly associated with 'prime time' Saturday night entertainment programming, the X Factors and Britain's got talents of this world.
The British public bleeding their bank accounts dry at £1 a pop so that fat bird Michelle McManus can claim her 'rightful' place as winner. Truly it was considered to be a victory for the morals of society... but was it really? On the crest of a media wave, people may have cared enough to vote for her and buy the first single, but pretty soon they stopped caring and stopped buying. Much like any realm in society, you can love a fat bird for a night, but not much more than that.
Perhaps even more worrying are the people who like all the contestants equally, so not wanting to see any of them lose, vote for them all? Were walking head first smack bang into a global recession and yet Jo public are squandering half their gyro just because they are torn between their love for pug faced Eoghan Quigg and boy bland JLS. It's scant consolation, but if God is Omnipotent then he has to sit through all of this, that's karma for you (apparently he was partial to the musical stylings of Bad Lashes but ran out of credit shortly after the quarter finals).
We all have bad days in the office, so mistakes can be forgiven and God advocates forgiveness (convenient that) so we can forgive him the odd X Factor and the occasional Frenchman, in fact it will probably be great bargaining power for all of us when arriving at the pearly gates. When having a chin wag with that Peter bloke, he will probably ask a few difficult questions before allowing entry, such as 'Could you not have afforded just three pounds a month for that charity?', or 'could you not have paid an extra twenty pence to get the fair trade bananas?', to which you can then retort, 'Fair enough, but let's get some perspective. What about that Hitler bloke, or even worse Kerry Katona? I mean bloody hell she won mother of the year. Twice!' Adopt that line of argument and there's no way you won't get in, in fact they will probably give you a twenty pound voucher to spend at HMV just to keep stum.
So maybe that's it, everything in life is intentially not perfect just so we can all feel ok the next time we tell a homeles couple kissing to 'get a room', or tell our neice that there is no Santa just because we are a bit strapped for cash around Xmas. If the big guy can drop a few clangers, then justifiably so can we. Ultimately no matter how terrible a human being I am, I will be able to sleep at night knowing that no matter what happens nothing I can do will be worse than giving Celine Dion a record contract and for that, God, I am eternally greatful.
So God created the world in seven days eh? The only way that is feasible is if he built Poland first and got the Polish builders to muck in for the remaining days. Even then, seven days is a bit of a push, I mean Rome alone took more than a day to build so inevitably corners had to be cut.
Subsequently for every Sistene Chapel, Mona Lisa and Venice we have a Bluewater, a London Olympics logo and a Croydon. All in all planet earth is a bit like a B&Q kitchen, at first glance it looks great, but on closer inspection every things not quite as it should be.
Yes the big man created The Northern Lights, but he also created personalised mobile ring tones. If ye be faithful, then the genius that cooked up the 'crazy frog' was indeed the big cheese himself. What was wrong with 'ring ring', it did the job required? Now days if your phone goes 'ring ring' people think you are trying to be retro or ironic. You have to wear garments from Top Man just to pull off the overall look.
Why is it that people feel the need to express themselves through every facet of their being. Clothes I can accept as a form of expression, but a ring tone? Are these people thinking, 'if I have a hilarious ring tone, then people will in turn think I'm hilarious', no they won't they will think you're a twat. It's the modern day equivalent of the guy in the office who chose to demonstrate just how 'crazy' he was via an outlandish tie. Society is mocking you and you deserve it.
Perhaps the king of the ring tones is rap 'superstar' Akon with one of his biggest selling downloads being the appropriately titled 'Lonely'. Appropriate, as anyone who downloaded it deserves to be shunned and subsequently very bloody lonely for a long, long time. Almost as criminal a use of the mobile phone is text voting. I am of course talking about the type of vote systems commonly associated with 'prime time' Saturday night entertainment programming, the X Factors and Britain's got talents of this world.
The British public bleeding their bank accounts dry at £1 a pop so that fat bird Michelle McManus can claim her 'rightful' place as winner. Truly it was considered to be a victory for the morals of society... but was it really? On the crest of a media wave, people may have cared enough to vote for her and buy the first single, but pretty soon they stopped caring and stopped buying. Much like any realm in society, you can love a fat bird for a night, but not much more than that.
Perhaps even more worrying are the people who like all the contestants equally, so not wanting to see any of them lose, vote for them all? Were walking head first smack bang into a global recession and yet Jo public are squandering half their gyro just because they are torn between their love for pug faced Eoghan Quigg and boy bland JLS. It's scant consolation, but if God is Omnipotent then he has to sit through all of this, that's karma for you (apparently he was partial to the musical stylings of Bad Lashes but ran out of credit shortly after the quarter finals).
We all have bad days in the office, so mistakes can be forgiven and God advocates forgiveness (convenient that) so we can forgive him the odd X Factor and the occasional Frenchman, in fact it will probably be great bargaining power for all of us when arriving at the pearly gates. When having a chin wag with that Peter bloke, he will probably ask a few difficult questions before allowing entry, such as 'Could you not have afforded just three pounds a month for that charity?', or 'could you not have paid an extra twenty pence to get the fair trade bananas?', to which you can then retort, 'Fair enough, but let's get some perspective. What about that Hitler bloke, or even worse Kerry Katona? I mean bloody hell she won mother of the year. Twice!' Adopt that line of argument and there's no way you won't get in, in fact they will probably give you a twenty pound voucher to spend at HMV just to keep stum.
So maybe that's it, everything in life is intentially not perfect just so we can all feel ok the next time we tell a homeles couple kissing to 'get a room', or tell our neice that there is no Santa just because we are a bit strapped for cash around Xmas. If the big guy can drop a few clangers, then justifiably so can we. Ultimately no matter how terrible a human being I am, I will be able to sleep at night knowing that no matter what happens nothing I can do will be worse than giving Celine Dion a record contract and for that, God, I am eternally greatful.
Monday, 26 January 2009
Credit Crunch - What a load of bankers.
Never a lender nor a borrower be...
The current economic climate eh? The old 'credit crunch' if you will (don't worry, no jokes here about it being the worst kind of cereal - although I did think about it). Now I'm not going to take a pop at the banks and their employees, if you want that sort of thing then buy a copy of The Guardian or The Daily Mail (if you can still afford to). But I will say one thing, it is all a bit silly really isn't it?
I may have never written a faeces on the infrastructure of our economy and I do not for one second claim to be an economic guru, far from it. But I do know that its a bad idea to continually loan money to people that don't have a great history of being able to pay it back. Lets look at it in common sense terms, you lend your mate Dave £20 in good faith and months later you are still dropping subtle hints (give me my F*&CK!NG money back you B$%TARD) to no avail. Eventually you reside yourself to never seeing the money again, your out of pocket, a trifle miffed and adamant that Dave will never see another penny of your, well not hard earned, but earned money.
Despite his £20 windfall Dave is a bit of a rascal, a card if you will, and sure enough in no time at all he has frittered it all away on fancy hats and jelatine and needs another loan of monetary funds to get him out of his man made financial pickle. Knowing that the odds against him milking any more money out of you are shorter than Pizza Hut successfully relaunching as Pasta Hut, he turns to his other mate Steve. Steve, despite swearing by the Pasta Hut linguine and owning Craig David - the best of on CD, is no fool. He confers with you prior to considering the transaction at which point you explain that Dave is somewhat unreliable on the 'giving money back' front (in real adult life banks call this a credit check). Steve absorbs this information and is appropriately wary, but Steve is a businessman you see so doesn't give up on the idea altogether. Instead, he agrees to lend Dave the money, only if he promises to not only be his best friend, but also pay it back at an increased sum of £30 (a £1o profit for the slower of you out there). Again, in the real world this is called interest rates.
Dave, he's a madman, before too long he's spent the £20 Steve gave him and is once again potless. Worried that Steve is a bit of a smack head and can turn at any time, he turns to Barry who lends him the £30 to give to Steve. Great, Steve is happy, but Barry that shrewd entrepreneur wants £40 back. Before long Steve has outstanding debts with Barry, Kev, Gav, Keith, Fred, Sam and Jonesy.
At his wits end, having been ostracized by the Croydon massive and not even able to show his face down Tiger Tiger on a Saturday night, Dave is desperate and turns to the one person he knows will still lend him money, Mr. Danny "Ocean" Finance. Danny has a bit of a reputation for taking either your knees, or your home (still, nice to have a choice) but offers to lend Dave the money he needs so that he can consolidate it all into 'one easy to pay monthly loan'. Desperate, Dave accepts and is now able to pay back all his mates, including you.
Relief, he's now able to meet up with the lads again down Tiger Tiger on a Saturday, but wait a minute no he can't, he can't afford to. In fact, backed into a financial corner Dave can't do any of the things he wants. He can't buy that top hat he had his eye on, upgrade to Sky plus, get a star named after his girlfriend Sheryl, or even order a Dominoes pizza (what no pasta choice!).
And it's not just Dave that is affected, Tiger Tiger's takings are down, Rupert Murdoch has to sell one belt whilst tightening his spare one and Dominoes have to shelve their plans to introduce a pasta range. And this ladies and gentle men is where we are today. Just think if only you (Lloyd, Barclays, HSBC, that Howard bloke from the Halifax ads) didn't loan Dave that £20 in the first place, he would have reeled himself in and learned to live more frugally on his income.
Still it's done now, so theres no point crying about it (you big baby). It's time for some good old fashioned British resolve, the kind shown during the Blitz. I myself am as much to blame and have suffered as much as anyone at the hands of the credit crunch (stupid karma) being both £4,ooo+ in debt (and no that doesn't include student loans, as far as I'm concerned thats my money) and having recently got laid off at work (the worst kind of laid). So how do you survive in a downturned economy. My advice is to look at the winners and losers at these times and try and associate, or attach a vice like grip to the winners, similar to trying to break in with the cool kids in high school.
Supermarkets are littered with winners and losers. Budget (gypo) stores like Morrissons and Lidl are the big winners taking a load of business from the ASDA's and Tesco's of this world. Sainsbury's is another winner, with former Marks & Spencer and Waitrose customers turning to them whilst treading that fine line between wanting cheaper goods, but not wanting to be seen by neighbour Lady Patricia Pennyfarthing trudging up the drive with ASDA shopping bags in hand.
Sex toys are another big winner, with sales going through roof . The spokespeople for these companies (I can hear their mothers now, 'why couldn't you have been a doctor') claiming it is because people are going out less, giving them more time in doors with their significant other. Now if that is true, it means that men have historically chosen pub quizzes, 5 a side football and unpaid overtime over a bit of the old sexual intercourse with the little lady (actually that all sounds quite reasonable). Be careful though, more sex means more mistakes, which means more kids, which don't come cheap (unless you adopt them from Africa, Madonna, talk about economising, I know you are a few quid down from the divorce but show some decorum).
Primark and Peacocks are other big winners, with noone willing to spend the big bucks in the Burtons and New Looks of this world budget clothing is now the in thing (take a step back and consider this, in days of yore you would have been teased to the point of self harming for buying cheapo clothing. All those bullys are now completely at a loss, wondering what you should tease people for now days? See everyone is affected by the current climate). My fears go out to the sweat shop workers, having to produce twice the stock to meet the new demands and with twice as many people looking to take their job due to all the job losses that were caused by the downturn in the first place. Talk about a no win situation, still out of sight out of mind.
So where does this leave us. Well for a while, inevitably, we are going to be stuck in our houses, forced to have increasingly bizarre sex with our now intermiably bored wives, only venturing outside of the homes from the necessity to buy Lidl's own tinned tomatoes and Primark irregular fit real denim (not real) jeans for a shilling six pence. But time will pass, we will pay off our debts (except for the student loans) and eventually we will have some disposable income to squander on what we please. Tiger Tiger will cotton onto this, will reopen the Croydon branch, Burton will set up a store next door to supply the collared shirts and loafers required to get in and before you know it the econmy will be thriving again. Dave however will still be a bit behind, but hell why not lend him £20 so he can join you on a night out, the past is the past, let bygones be bygones.
The current economic climate eh? The old 'credit crunch' if you will (don't worry, no jokes here about it being the worst kind of cereal - although I did think about it). Now I'm not going to take a pop at the banks and their employees, if you want that sort of thing then buy a copy of The Guardian or The Daily Mail (if you can still afford to). But I will say one thing, it is all a bit silly really isn't it?
I may have never written a faeces on the infrastructure of our economy and I do not for one second claim to be an economic guru, far from it. But I do know that its a bad idea to continually loan money to people that don't have a great history of being able to pay it back. Lets look at it in common sense terms, you lend your mate Dave £20 in good faith and months later you are still dropping subtle hints (give me my F*&CK!NG money back you B$%TARD) to no avail. Eventually you reside yourself to never seeing the money again, your out of pocket, a trifle miffed and adamant that Dave will never see another penny of your, well not hard earned, but earned money.
Despite his £20 windfall Dave is a bit of a rascal, a card if you will, and sure enough in no time at all he has frittered it all away on fancy hats and jelatine and needs another loan of monetary funds to get him out of his man made financial pickle. Knowing that the odds against him milking any more money out of you are shorter than Pizza Hut successfully relaunching as Pasta Hut, he turns to his other mate Steve. Steve, despite swearing by the Pasta Hut linguine and owning Craig David - the best of on CD, is no fool. He confers with you prior to considering the transaction at which point you explain that Dave is somewhat unreliable on the 'giving money back' front (in real adult life banks call this a credit check). Steve absorbs this information and is appropriately wary, but Steve is a businessman you see so doesn't give up on the idea altogether. Instead, he agrees to lend Dave the money, only if he promises to not only be his best friend, but also pay it back at an increased sum of £30 (a £1o profit for the slower of you out there). Again, in the real world this is called interest rates.
Dave, he's a madman, before too long he's spent the £20 Steve gave him and is once again potless. Worried that Steve is a bit of a smack head and can turn at any time, he turns to Barry who lends him the £30 to give to Steve. Great, Steve is happy, but Barry that shrewd entrepreneur wants £40 back. Before long Steve has outstanding debts with Barry, Kev, Gav, Keith, Fred, Sam and Jonesy.
At his wits end, having been ostracized by the Croydon massive and not even able to show his face down Tiger Tiger on a Saturday night, Dave is desperate and turns to the one person he knows will still lend him money, Mr. Danny "Ocean" Finance. Danny has a bit of a reputation for taking either your knees, or your home (still, nice to have a choice) but offers to lend Dave the money he needs so that he can consolidate it all into 'one easy to pay monthly loan'. Desperate, Dave accepts and is now able to pay back all his mates, including you.
Relief, he's now able to meet up with the lads again down Tiger Tiger on a Saturday, but wait a minute no he can't, he can't afford to. In fact, backed into a financial corner Dave can't do any of the things he wants. He can't buy that top hat he had his eye on, upgrade to Sky plus, get a star named after his girlfriend Sheryl, or even order a Dominoes pizza (what no pasta choice!).
And it's not just Dave that is affected, Tiger Tiger's takings are down, Rupert Murdoch has to sell one belt whilst tightening his spare one and Dominoes have to shelve their plans to introduce a pasta range. And this ladies and gentle men is where we are today. Just think if only you (Lloyd, Barclays, HSBC, that Howard bloke from the Halifax ads) didn't loan Dave that £20 in the first place, he would have reeled himself in and learned to live more frugally on his income.
Still it's done now, so theres no point crying about it (you big baby). It's time for some good old fashioned British resolve, the kind shown during the Blitz. I myself am as much to blame and have suffered as much as anyone at the hands of the credit crunch (stupid karma) being both £4,ooo+ in debt (and no that doesn't include student loans, as far as I'm concerned thats my money) and having recently got laid off at work (the worst kind of laid). So how do you survive in a downturned economy. My advice is to look at the winners and losers at these times and try and associate, or attach a vice like grip to the winners, similar to trying to break in with the cool kids in high school.
Supermarkets are littered with winners and losers. Budget (gypo) stores like Morrissons and Lidl are the big winners taking a load of business from the ASDA's and Tesco's of this world. Sainsbury's is another winner, with former Marks & Spencer and Waitrose customers turning to them whilst treading that fine line between wanting cheaper goods, but not wanting to be seen by neighbour Lady Patricia Pennyfarthing trudging up the drive with ASDA shopping bags in hand.
Sex toys are another big winner, with sales going through roof . The spokespeople for these companies (I can hear their mothers now, 'why couldn't you have been a doctor') claiming it is because people are going out less, giving them more time in doors with their significant other. Now if that is true, it means that men have historically chosen pub quizzes, 5 a side football and unpaid overtime over a bit of the old sexual intercourse with the little lady (actually that all sounds quite reasonable). Be careful though, more sex means more mistakes, which means more kids, which don't come cheap (unless you adopt them from Africa, Madonna, talk about economising, I know you are a few quid down from the divorce but show some decorum).
Primark and Peacocks are other big winners, with noone willing to spend the big bucks in the Burtons and New Looks of this world budget clothing is now the in thing (take a step back and consider this, in days of yore you would have been teased to the point of self harming for buying cheapo clothing. All those bullys are now completely at a loss, wondering what you should tease people for now days? See everyone is affected by the current climate). My fears go out to the sweat shop workers, having to produce twice the stock to meet the new demands and with twice as many people looking to take their job due to all the job losses that were caused by the downturn in the first place. Talk about a no win situation, still out of sight out of mind.
So where does this leave us. Well for a while, inevitably, we are going to be stuck in our houses, forced to have increasingly bizarre sex with our now intermiably bored wives, only venturing outside of the homes from the necessity to buy Lidl's own tinned tomatoes and Primark irregular fit real denim (not real) jeans for a shilling six pence. But time will pass, we will pay off our debts (except for the student loans) and eventually we will have some disposable income to squander on what we please. Tiger Tiger will cotton onto this, will reopen the Croydon branch, Burton will set up a store next door to supply the collared shirts and loafers required to get in and before you know it the econmy will be thriving again. Dave however will still be a bit behind, but hell why not lend him £20 so he can join you on a night out, the past is the past, let bygones be bygones.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Who's in charge?
Forget knife crime, sort this lot out first.
I don't rule the world, clearly, if I did you would have heard about it (unless you read The Sun or The Star where you would have been lucky to see it amidst the lighter notes, possibly in the page 3 girl's thought of the day). But if I did, I would ring the changes. I'm an angry man no doubt, but I can't be alone in thinking there is so much wrong in this society in which we live. I am not talking about your Afghanistan's or the economic climate which are clearly 'a bit out of hand', I'm talking about the everyday crimes against humanity, the stuff we have to put up with on a daily basis, repeatedly, constantly, that no one is doing anything about, Gordon.
Commence rant. Like advertising for example, I understand the need for it, I have even made a living in the past selling it (note for all those whining about how Facebook is being ruined by advertising, are you willing to pay a subscription to use it? No, didn't think so, so shut up, ignore the adverts like the rest of us, appreciate that the guys running it need to make a living and just get on with your day 'poking' your 'friends' during the hours of the day that someone is paying you to 'work'. Oh and that's another thing, those people that complain that their employers have banned Facebook during work hours. What's your argument, if you weren't using it at work it doesn't affect you and if you were using it at work then you have just proved your employers point - think about it, you haven't got a leg to stand on Heather, idiot).
Where was I, oh yes advertising. Come on people put some effort in. DFS, I don't need a bloody sofa, I live in rented accommodation which is furnished, so theres no point repeatedly abusing my senses telling me that you have a 50% sale on. Yes my place could do with tarting up and those sofas that have three seprate recliners look just delightful, but I will be buggered if it's coming out of my pocket, tell my landlord about it. And who books these adverts? If I am watching MTV2 then chances are that I am male and aged somewhere between 15 and 30 so why try and promote stair lifts to me, eh? I'm lazy, but I'm in no mood to spend what's left of my limited funds (thank you credit crunch - Gordon) on pimping up my stairs banister and as far as I'm aware the nanny state has not yet made it mandatory that private residential homes should be disability friendly.
Music adverts are some of the biggest offenders. How many times have I heard the voice over on the advert telling me that 'this is one of the most important albums of the year'. Important, give it a rest, what makes it so important? Do the lyrics contain the cure for cancer? If you play track 5 at full volume does it end race hate? No, I didn't think so, get some perspective. Why can't they be a bit more honest, have the voice over say something like 'very catchy and all the words rhyme which is pretty neat'. Or 'a really popular album which if played out loud in public will make people think you have good taste in music'.
This kind of honesty could help the perfume/eu de toilet industry no end. Rather than having some beautiful man or woman filmed in black and white high on top of a building near a clock tower running all over the place even though no one is chasing them, whilst some french bloke spouts out confusing adjectives, why not just show an image of the bottle while your man on the street says something like 'It smells nice which girls will like and the bottle comes in a really manly design too which will look pretty neat on your bedside table'? Makes more sense doesn't it, I'm open to offers if anyone looking for an advertising guru.
And what about those perfumes 'made' by celebrities? I don't know who I hate more the celebrities fronting them, or the idiots that buy the stuff? What is your mindset when you buy a celebrity endorsed perfume? I bet you there are loads of people (mostly women) that buy it without even smelling it, or even worse who having smelt it and found it offensive to their nostrils still go on to spend their hard earned/stolen cash on it. Are these people thinking, well Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire, is a film and music star and is going out with Ben Affleck (I know they have split up now, stop nit picking) so maybe if I use her perfume the same will happen for me. No it won't love, save your £20 and get back to work, they need you to cover a lunch break on checkout five. As for people who bought Jade Goody's perfume.....
Why do we call it 'Eu de toilet' anyway? What's the matter did we run out of English words and have to start nicking lingo from the French? Or is this Britain's international olive branch, our way of saying we can't be arsed to learn your language even when we are holidaying in your country, but what we will do is bung a few French words into the English vocabulary to give you a helping hand on becoming fluent in English. Come on now Gordon, keep strong, we have given back the empire the least we ask in return is that the world speaks our language. I mean, it can't be too hard if the Americans can grasp it.
It's not just the adoption of foreign words that gets my goat, terminology in general is all a bit misguided. Music again is a culprit here, lets start with the term 'pop' music. Now you might think that makes sense, because you want to have a pop at the cretins that are responsible for raping your ears, but that's not the intended meaning of 'pop'. 'Pop' is in fact short for 'popular'. Popular. Come on now, who's in charge of this? You can't have a genre or classify a music vertical as 'popular', that could refer to anything you lazy beggars. By that definition, anything that gets to number one in the charts these days is making 'pop' music, regardless of if you are Steps, King of Leon or 50 Cent. Linkin Park get to number one all the time, but ask them what type of music they make and amidst a shouty intro and rap chorus they will tell you that their particular brand of music is 'alternative'. Alternative to what, popular music I would imagine and therein lies the problem. Sell too many records and all of a sudden you are making pop songs, but don't sell enough records and you have to supplement your 'alternative' rock career with a day job as a bank clerk, not very rock and roll is it Chester, sell out.
And try telling some spotty 15 year old Emo kid that he is listening to pop music, perhaps your comments could be the catalyst for their final and fatal last act of self harming. God I hate Emos, if only there was some way of tricking them into an all or nothing fight to the death with Chavs, kill two birds with one stone. Imagine it, the Chavs with their knives and the Emos with their razor blades, what a spectacle it would be. Of course knives are more deadly, they have longer reach for starters, but the Emos are used to being cut so it would be a pretty even fight. William Hill would make a killing on taking bets, the population crisis would be eased and unemployment figures with it, I can't see a downside so pull your finger out and make it happen, Gordon.
The alternative would to round up the crowd from the next 'Funeral for a Friend' concert and ship them off to the army. Think about it, Emos would make a seamless transition into the army, especially as most soldiers are now situated in Muslim countries. Lets examine our bog standard Emo, they like to cover up their body (preferrably in black clothing), they are all Vegans so pork is off the menu and they are used to loud noises and explosions having spent years moshing next to the loud speaker at Slip Knot gigs. The image of Western society in Afghanistan and Iraq would be improved no end if our representatives were predominantly of the Emo persuasion and the only compromise would be that the sales for black finger nail paint in the UK would plummet. But fear not make up companies theres always the export market (which has apparently also been hit by the credit crunch, thanks Gordon) and by opening trade with Afghanistan and Iraq to export black finger nail paint international relations could be helped no end. Problem solved, put me in power now.
I don't rule the world, clearly, if I did you would have heard about it (unless you read The Sun or The Star where you would have been lucky to see it amidst the lighter notes, possibly in the page 3 girl's thought of the day). But if I did, I would ring the changes. I'm an angry man no doubt, but I can't be alone in thinking there is so much wrong in this society in which we live. I am not talking about your Afghanistan's or the economic climate which are clearly 'a bit out of hand', I'm talking about the everyday crimes against humanity, the stuff we have to put up with on a daily basis, repeatedly, constantly, that no one is doing anything about, Gordon.
Commence rant. Like advertising for example, I understand the need for it, I have even made a living in the past selling it (note for all those whining about how Facebook is being ruined by advertising, are you willing to pay a subscription to use it? No, didn't think so, so shut up, ignore the adverts like the rest of us, appreciate that the guys running it need to make a living and just get on with your day 'poking' your 'friends' during the hours of the day that someone is paying you to 'work'. Oh and that's another thing, those people that complain that their employers have banned Facebook during work hours. What's your argument, if you weren't using it at work it doesn't affect you and if you were using it at work then you have just proved your employers point - think about it, you haven't got a leg to stand on Heather, idiot).
Where was I, oh yes advertising. Come on people put some effort in. DFS, I don't need a bloody sofa, I live in rented accommodation which is furnished, so theres no point repeatedly abusing my senses telling me that you have a 50% sale on. Yes my place could do with tarting up and those sofas that have three seprate recliners look just delightful, but I will be buggered if it's coming out of my pocket, tell my landlord about it. And who books these adverts? If I am watching MTV2 then chances are that I am male and aged somewhere between 15 and 30 so why try and promote stair lifts to me, eh? I'm lazy, but I'm in no mood to spend what's left of my limited funds (thank you credit crunch - Gordon) on pimping up my stairs banister and as far as I'm aware the nanny state has not yet made it mandatory that private residential homes should be disability friendly.
Music adverts are some of the biggest offenders. How many times have I heard the voice over on the advert telling me that 'this is one of the most important albums of the year'. Important, give it a rest, what makes it so important? Do the lyrics contain the cure for cancer? If you play track 5 at full volume does it end race hate? No, I didn't think so, get some perspective. Why can't they be a bit more honest, have the voice over say something like 'very catchy and all the words rhyme which is pretty neat'. Or 'a really popular album which if played out loud in public will make people think you have good taste in music'.
This kind of honesty could help the perfume/eu de toilet industry no end. Rather than having some beautiful man or woman filmed in black and white high on top of a building near a clock tower running all over the place even though no one is chasing them, whilst some french bloke spouts out confusing adjectives, why not just show an image of the bottle while your man on the street says something like 'It smells nice which girls will like and the bottle comes in a really manly design too which will look pretty neat on your bedside table'? Makes more sense doesn't it, I'm open to offers if anyone looking for an advertising guru.
And what about those perfumes 'made' by celebrities? I don't know who I hate more the celebrities fronting them, or the idiots that buy the stuff? What is your mindset when you buy a celebrity endorsed perfume? I bet you there are loads of people (mostly women) that buy it without even smelling it, or even worse who having smelt it and found it offensive to their nostrils still go on to spend their hard earned/stolen cash on it. Are these people thinking, well Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire, is a film and music star and is going out with Ben Affleck (I know they have split up now, stop nit picking) so maybe if I use her perfume the same will happen for me. No it won't love, save your £20 and get back to work, they need you to cover a lunch break on checkout five. As for people who bought Jade Goody's perfume.....
Why do we call it 'Eu de toilet' anyway? What's the matter did we run out of English words and have to start nicking lingo from the French? Or is this Britain's international olive branch, our way of saying we can't be arsed to learn your language even when we are holidaying in your country, but what we will do is bung a few French words into the English vocabulary to give you a helping hand on becoming fluent in English. Come on now Gordon, keep strong, we have given back the empire the least we ask in return is that the world speaks our language. I mean, it can't be too hard if the Americans can grasp it.
It's not just the adoption of foreign words that gets my goat, terminology in general is all a bit misguided. Music again is a culprit here, lets start with the term 'pop' music. Now you might think that makes sense, because you want to have a pop at the cretins that are responsible for raping your ears, but that's not the intended meaning of 'pop'. 'Pop' is in fact short for 'popular'. Popular. Come on now, who's in charge of this? You can't have a genre or classify a music vertical as 'popular', that could refer to anything you lazy beggars. By that definition, anything that gets to number one in the charts these days is making 'pop' music, regardless of if you are Steps, King of Leon or 50 Cent. Linkin Park get to number one all the time, but ask them what type of music they make and amidst a shouty intro and rap chorus they will tell you that their particular brand of music is 'alternative'. Alternative to what, popular music I would imagine and therein lies the problem. Sell too many records and all of a sudden you are making pop songs, but don't sell enough records and you have to supplement your 'alternative' rock career with a day job as a bank clerk, not very rock and roll is it Chester, sell out.
And try telling some spotty 15 year old Emo kid that he is listening to pop music, perhaps your comments could be the catalyst for their final and fatal last act of self harming. God I hate Emos, if only there was some way of tricking them into an all or nothing fight to the death with Chavs, kill two birds with one stone. Imagine it, the Chavs with their knives and the Emos with their razor blades, what a spectacle it would be. Of course knives are more deadly, they have longer reach for starters, but the Emos are used to being cut so it would be a pretty even fight. William Hill would make a killing on taking bets, the population crisis would be eased and unemployment figures with it, I can't see a downside so pull your finger out and make it happen, Gordon.
The alternative would to round up the crowd from the next 'Funeral for a Friend' concert and ship them off to the army. Think about it, Emos would make a seamless transition into the army, especially as most soldiers are now situated in Muslim countries. Lets examine our bog standard Emo, they like to cover up their body (preferrably in black clothing), they are all Vegans so pork is off the menu and they are used to loud noises and explosions having spent years moshing next to the loud speaker at Slip Knot gigs. The image of Western society in Afghanistan and Iraq would be improved no end if our representatives were predominantly of the Emo persuasion and the only compromise would be that the sales for black finger nail paint in the UK would plummet. But fear not make up companies theres always the export market (which has apparently also been hit by the credit crunch, thanks Gordon) and by opening trade with Afghanistan and Iraq to export black finger nail paint international relations could be helped no end. Problem solved, put me in power now.
Saturday, 29 March 2008
The Human Conditioner
Hair today gone tomorrow
I am 25 and I am going bald. In fact I have been going bald from about the age of 21. I walked past a hair salon the other week and a woman was handing out promotional leaflets for discounted hair styling. She asked if I would like one, I thought she was taking the piss but luckily I deduced from her blank expression that she was not and was simply stupid and so refrained from punching her.
Going bald is not the end of the world for everyone, head butting football hairo Zinidine Zidane seems content with his millions of pounds and model girlfriend and there is no need for action 'star' Jason Statham to feel insecure about his diminishing barnet as Kelly Brook left him for another baldy in Billy Zane. Perhaps if he just stopped making those bloody awful Transporter films they would still be together, then again Zane's main claim to fame is Titanic so he can probably feel a bit hard done by. Despite these shining examples of men baldly going forth and prospering, life is not quite so easy for your average man on the street.
People can be so helpful. Someone kindly pointed out to me the other day that I was going grey. Why do people do this? I wouldn't alert someone to the fact that they were getting fat. I just fixed my eyes on them with a looked of complete disdain. As any follicley challenged man will tell you when you have accepted that you are going bald you couldn't give a flying flip that you are going grey! I'd kill to be a silver fox, but alas I will never know this distinguished joy.
It's a horrible moment when you first realise you are going bald. As a white british man of 21 it is law that you put a ridiculous amount of gel in your hair. One day when applying lacquer and product to my demi moulet I noticed that quite a large amount of scalp was clearly visible. Naturally my first reaction was to go into denial. Maybe it was just the lighting, maybe it was the 50p store own gel? But even if this was the reason for the 'illusion' of baldness what was I going to do, lurk in the shadows to avoid misleading lighting, purchase branded and expensive hair gel? Not bloody likely. So you have to try and accept it, which isn't easy at first.
I wouldn't mind so much but my body, much like my brain seems to be completely clueless. An executive decision, coming straight from the top, seems to have been made to remove the hair from my head, but I am at least being compensated with rapid hair growth on every other part of my body. And I do mean every part.
I am the only person I know that needs to get a quote upfront before the salon can start work on a back, sack and crack. I even have hair growing on the underside of my forearms, the underside for gods sake. Perhaps even more of a worry is that I find myself shaving higher and higher up my face with every week that passes. The all over facial hair look may have got teen wolf laid, but I don't think it's going to improve my chances any.
I get recurring nightmares that my kryptonite, velcro clothing, will come back into fashion.
The continued bodily hair growth would suggest that I am yet to have fully completed puberty, this is backed up by the fact that I still get acne. How the hell can you be going bald whilst still getting spots? At the risk of sounding like a 7 year old, it's just not fair! The only consolation is that if I am not wholly pubic then their is still potential for growth. It would be good to get an extra inch...'taller'.
Then their is the teasing that you have to contend with, the verbal happy slap(head)ing. 'Hey baldy put some chalk on your cue', 'go outside mate, you look like you could do with some fresh hair' and so on and so forth. A girl at my work made a quip about my lack of locks, I swiftly retorted by explaining that it was a well known fact that bald men are more virile. My sense of smugness on the back of having just cunningly combined a comeback with some light flirtation was soon cut short when she explained that the only reason bald men were more virile is because they never got any.
Ultimately baldness is a disability, without the parking privileges. Would you make fun of someone who is blind, or poke fun at the mentally handicapped? Of course you wouldn't, well not to their face anyway.
So the next time 
you see a bald man, just take a moment to think about how brave they are. They could so easily have hidden behind a toupee or a strategic comb over. For my fellow bald men, stay strong and remember, yes you will never be able to style your hair again, but as the 80's demonstrated, in the long run this may ultimately be for the best.
Now if you don't mind I'm going to investigate the legitimacy of a new 'fill in' hair spray I have just seen on the home shopping channel.
I am 25 and I am going bald. In fact I have been going bald from about the age of 21. I walked past a hair salon the other week and a woman was handing out promotional leaflets for discounted hair styling. She asked if I would like one, I thought she was taking the piss but luckily I deduced from her blank expression that she was not and was simply stupid and so refrained from punching her.
Going bald is not the end of the world for everyone, head butting football hairo Zinidine Zidane seems content with his millions of pounds and model girlfriend and there is no need for action 'star' Jason Statham to feel insecure about his diminishing barnet as Kelly Brook left him for another baldy in Billy Zane. Perhaps if he just stopped making those bloody awful Transporter films they would still be together, then again Zane's main claim to fame is Titanic so he can probably feel a bit hard done by. Despite these shining examples of men baldly going forth and prospering, life is not quite so easy for your average man on the street.
People can be so helpful. Someone kindly pointed out to me the other day that I was going grey. Why do people do this? I wouldn't alert someone to the fact that they were getting fat. I just fixed my eyes on them with a looked of complete disdain. As any follicley challenged man will tell you when you have accepted that you are going bald you couldn't give a flying flip that you are going grey! I'd kill to be a silver fox, but alas I will never know this distinguished joy.
It's a horrible moment when you first realise you are going bald. As a white british man of 21 it is law that you put a ridiculous amount of gel in your hair. One day when applying lacquer and product to my demi moulet I noticed that quite a large amount of scalp was clearly visible. Naturally my first reaction was to go into denial. Maybe it was just the lighting, maybe it was the 50p store own gel? But even if this was the reason for the 'illusion' of baldness what was I going to do, lurk in the shadows to avoid misleading lighting, purchase branded and expensive hair gel? Not bloody likely. So you have to try and accept it, which isn't easy at first.
I wouldn't mind so much but my body, much like my brain seems to be completely clueless. An executive decision, coming straight from the top, seems to have been made to remove the hair from my head, but I am at least being compensated with rapid hair growth on every other part of my body. And I do mean every part.
I am the only person I know that needs to get a quote upfront before the salon can start work on a back, sack and crack. I even have hair growing on the underside of my forearms, the underside for gods sake. Perhaps even more of a worry is that I find myself shaving higher and higher up my face with every week that passes. The all over facial hair look may have got teen wolf laid, but I don't think it's going to improve my chances any.
I get recurring nightmares that my kryptonite, velcro clothing, will come back into fashion.
The continued bodily hair growth would suggest that I am yet to have fully completed puberty, this is backed up by the fact that I still get acne. How the hell can you be going bald whilst still getting spots? At the risk of sounding like a 7 year old, it's just not fair! The only consolation is that if I am not wholly pubic then their is still potential for growth. It would be good to get an extra inch...'taller'.
Then their is the teasing that you have to contend with, the verbal happy slap(head)ing. 'Hey baldy put some chalk on your cue', 'go outside mate, you look like you could do with some fresh hair' and so on and so forth. A girl at my work made a quip about my lack of locks, I swiftly retorted by explaining that it was a well known fact that bald men are more virile. My sense of smugness on the back of having just cunningly combined a comeback with some light flirtation was soon cut short when she explained that the only reason bald men were more virile is because they never got any.
Ultimately baldness is a disability, without the parking privileges. Would you make fun of someone who is blind, or poke fun at the mentally handicapped? Of course you wouldn't, well not to their face anyway.
So the next time 
you see a bald man, just take a moment to think about how brave they are. They could so easily have hidden behind a toupee or a strategic comb over. For my fellow bald men, stay strong and remember, yes you will never be able to style your hair again, but as the 80's demonstrated, in the long run this may ultimately be for the best.Now if you don't mind I'm going to investigate the legitimacy of a new 'fill in' hair spray I have just seen on the home shopping channel.
Saturday, 1 March 2008
This time next year, I will be doing my day job
Donald Trump, Bill Gates, Richard Branson...Alex Cornford?
I am a failed internet nerd. My profession was previously selling online advertising and now I sell online technology. I am a recent convert, but I love the internet and not just for the freely available 'adult jazz'.
Previously if you were an aspiring musician, writer, film maker or indeed adult entertainer you needed approval from corporate bigwigs or a stint on Big Brother before getting the opportunity to have your work distributed to the masses. Now Google, Myspace and You Tube are giving everyone a chance to have their voice heard or their genitalia seen by millions of people.
Youporn.com is now the most viewed website in the world. The concept is simple, users upload films of either their favourite pornographoire, or a home made film of them and the missus reinstating their maritals. What an age we live in, what a time to be alive.
Deemed too fat, short, hairy or ugly to cut the pornographic mustard by a man in a suit? What does he know, upload your film and let the world be the judge. If people like it they are able to express their approval through 5 star rating systems, or even send it to all their online buddies (probably best not to send it to their work email).
These rating systems and viral marketing are giving the little guy a chance. If he/she can come up with something that captures the worlds imagination then recognition, celebrity or financial wealth can be achieved.
Lily Allen and the Arctic Monkeys are great examples of musicians that received huge notoriety through Myspace and who hasn't laughed at the fat lad giving a whole hearted attempt at being a Star Wars Jedi on Youtube? ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU0)
This fat lad is now a celebrity and as you read this is probably snorting coke off a supermodel's implants.
I am an idiot, but amazingly a friend of mine who now works for a publishing house in Dubai forwarded my blog to her manager and my post on Facebook has actually been printed in a magazine. I'm a million miles away from fame, celebrity and fortune and I am still having to date girls with real breasts, but having always wanted to be a writer in some description, it is amazing to have anyone express an interest in reading 'my work'.
The internet also allows anyone with a good idea, or a real understanding of how the internet works to make a lot of money. Because of my line of work I get to meet a lot of these very clever, very rich people and because I'm a fool I try to copy them to further my own financial gain.
One way that a lot of people make money is to do what is called domain parking. Basically this is where you buy popular website names that a lot of people will just naturally type into their browser. For example, someone will buy loans.co.uk and then stick a load of adverts for companies providing loans on the site and then when someone goes to the site and clicks on one of the adverts they will get paid some money. As long as you buy website names that a lot of people type, then you will make a lot of money. This is the part that I am getting wrong.
I have over 40 websites which last month generated a whacking great one a half euros in revenue. This was actually a very strong month for me. I have spent about £150 buying these sites and stand to make about £5 come the end of the first financial year. You do not need to be an accountant to deduct that this is not a money making business.
Why no one visits clownhire.co.uk or bingolessons.co.uk is beyond me, but what is even more concerning is a recent invoice that was sent. As I am currently renting accommodation I still list my mothers address down for bank statements and other billed activities. Not allowing myself to become disheartened that not one person had visited recyclebottles.co.uk I continued to expand my portfolio with the shrewd purchase of shavedpussys.co.uk. Incorrectly spelt but surely porno fiends have poor grammar, this is at least my middle class stereotypical thinking.
Unfortunately I had recently lost my debit card on a night time excursion and had been issued a new card with a different card number. As I had neglected to update my bank details when purchasing the site name, the payment bounced and subsequently an invoice was raised and sent to the address listed.
My mother is not a nosy woman, but clearly seeing that I had bent sent a bill she felt that it was her duty to open said bill and inform her little boy of the potential predicament he was in. So open it she does to read that 'unfortunately there had been a problem with my purchase of shavedpussys.co.uk'. My poor mother then had to call me to relay this information to me.
God knows what she thought, most probably that she had given birth to some sort of porn baron. This was a very awkward phone call for both of us and we both tried to dance around the subject, sticking to the financial aspects as much as possible.
I have had this site now for several months, only two people have visited it and neither of them clicked on any of the adverts. Dam the grammatical skills of the porn community. I wonder if Bill Gates ever had these problems when starting up?
I am a failed internet nerd. My profession was previously selling online advertising and now I sell online technology. I am a recent convert, but I love the internet and not just for the freely available 'adult jazz'.
Previously if you were an aspiring musician, writer, film maker or indeed adult entertainer you needed approval from corporate bigwigs or a stint on Big Brother before getting the opportunity to have your work distributed to the masses. Now Google, Myspace and You Tube are giving everyone a chance to have their voice heard or their genitalia seen by millions of people.
Youporn.com is now the most viewed website in the world. The concept is simple, users upload films of either their favourite pornographoire, or a home made film of them and the missus reinstating their maritals. What an age we live in, what a time to be alive.
Deemed too fat, short, hairy or ugly to cut the pornographic mustard by a man in a suit? What does he know, upload your film and let the world be the judge. If people like it they are able to express their approval through 5 star rating systems, or even send it to all their online buddies (probably best not to send it to their work email).
These rating systems and viral marketing are giving the little guy a chance. If he/she can come up with something that captures the worlds imagination then recognition, celebrity or financial wealth can be achieved.
Lily Allen and the Arctic Monkeys are great examples of musicians that received huge notoriety through Myspace and who hasn't laughed at the fat lad giving a whole hearted attempt at being a Star Wars Jedi on Youtube? ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU0)
This fat lad is now a celebrity and as you read this is probably snorting coke off a supermodel's implants.
I am an idiot, but amazingly a friend of mine who now works for a publishing house in Dubai forwarded my blog to her manager and my post on Facebook has actually been printed in a magazine. I'm a million miles away from fame, celebrity and fortune and I am still having to date girls with real breasts, but having always wanted to be a writer in some description, it is amazing to have anyone express an interest in reading 'my work'.
The internet also allows anyone with a good idea, or a real understanding of how the internet works to make a lot of money. Because of my line of work I get to meet a lot of these very clever, very rich people and because I'm a fool I try to copy them to further my own financial gain.
One way that a lot of people make money is to do what is called domain parking. Basically this is where you buy popular website names that a lot of people will just naturally type into their browser. For example, someone will buy loans.co.uk and then stick a load of adverts for companies providing loans on the site and then when someone goes to the site and clicks on one of the adverts they will get paid some money. As long as you buy website names that a lot of people type, then you will make a lot of money. This is the part that I am getting wrong.
I have over 40 websites which last month generated a whacking great one a half euros in revenue. This was actually a very strong month for me. I have spent about £150 buying these sites and stand to make about £5 come the end of the first financial year. You do not need to be an accountant to deduct that this is not a money making business.
Why no one visits clownhire.co.uk or bingolessons.co.uk is beyond me, but what is even more concerning is a recent invoice that was sent. As I am currently renting accommodation I still list my mothers address down for bank statements and other billed activities. Not allowing myself to become disheartened that not one person had visited recyclebottles.co.uk I continued to expand my portfolio with the shrewd purchase of shavedpussys.co.uk. Incorrectly spelt but surely porno fiends have poor grammar, this is at least my middle class stereotypical thinking.
Unfortunately I had recently lost my debit card on a night time excursion and had been issued a new card with a different card number. As I had neglected to update my bank details when purchasing the site name, the payment bounced and subsequently an invoice was raised and sent to the address listed.
My mother is not a nosy woman, but clearly seeing that I had bent sent a bill she felt that it was her duty to open said bill and inform her little boy of the potential predicament he was in. So open it she does to read that 'unfortunately there had been a problem with my purchase of shavedpussys.co.uk'. My poor mother then had to call me to relay this information to me.
God knows what she thought, most probably that she had given birth to some sort of porn baron. This was a very awkward phone call for both of us and we both tried to dance around the subject, sticking to the financial aspects as much as possible.
I have had this site now for several months, only two people have visited it and neither of them clicked on any of the adverts. Dam the grammatical skills of the porn community. I wonder if Bill Gates ever had these problems when starting up?
Sunday, 23 December 2007
It's been a while
Thank you. Friends, family, randoms off the street, despite the fact that the blog hasn't been updated for several months now, i'm still getting about two people visit it every day. Where as these figures won't really worry Bill Gates, they are more than sufficient to massage my fragile ego.
Apologies for the delay and rest assured there is plenty for us to catch up on...
Apologies for the delay and rest assured there is plenty for us to catch up on...
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